I'm a biter, not a writer.

ok

2006-08-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

Am I too nice? Do I think too much? Do I care too much? I would do anything for anyone if I felt they deserved it and I feel that that is not ok. I should be meaner for people to want to be around me. I am very selective about who I let around me, but when people get to know me they seem to appreicate me, but just as an idea, as if I am not real....

Cam'ron & A Bathing Ape

2006-04-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

I like Cam'ron. Purple Haze was a nice enough album. That Kanye song, "Down And Out," still makes me want to drive hecka fast. Anyway, him and the DipSet posse are on a role about calling everyone "swagger jackers." Other folks are taking their style. I won't deny that they have a style. They look fly if you are into that shit. (Which, I am.) But get off your own dicks. Some people have no style and they copy rappers, actors, people "on the corner" and others to get one. So be it. I figured Cam and Juelz, at least, would have better shit to worry about then who is jacking their swagger. Jim Jones is the exception. I think the world of Jim Jones by-the-by, but dude seems bored with his life, so he just finds shit to get mad about. Basically, I am trying to say DipSet needs to get off their own dicks. I love DipSet, but shit ya'll's fashion icon is Barney. Ya'll just used to worry about effin' hoes, smokin' piff, and cuttin' coke. Pointless thought.

A Bathing Ape. $300 hoodies. Whatevs. Ripping off Dunks and charging $500. Fly. The logo. Hecka fly. My question is why. Nigo has commented on how the brand is a reflection of youth culture now (and in the 90's basically). "Just a bunch of lazy apes sitting around not doing shit." (Not an actual quote, but that is what he is saying.) I am lazy, but I don't need to spend $90 on a limited edition tee to remind myself that I ain't shit. If I had family money, I might squander some gouda on it, but I don't think I would respect myself. Self respect is officially in question for the world at this point anyway.

These are a couple of things I have thought about lately and just felt like putting out there. Whatevs.

EDIT: I just read a sweet interview with a dude named Bobby Hundreds. His is fly. He talks about Bathing Ape. Points out some things. Nigo is fly. SMART. Where did I put those three hundred dollar bills? I need a new hoodie.

2006-04-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have been really mean lately. Part of me enjoys it, but I know the only reason I am doing it is because I realized it will never be. I feel betrayed and I don't know how to, properly, deal with my feelings. call me emotional. it's true. i accept it. too bad other people can't.

2006-03-17T02:19:00.000-08:00

Spring Break Hellscape
Everytime I read one that says, "Yours in christ, etc," I smile.

I think I need to move out of the basement apartment I live in. Then I should think about moving out of Iowa.

enjoi - bag of suck - dvd
This video will put some sunshine in my day.

2006-03-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

This is not working anymore.

Oh shit....

2006-03-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

I have the best girlfriend ever!

She got me Ghostface Killah's stinky, wet, smelly thermal hooded sweatshirt and his equally smelly brown bandana!!!

True love!

2006-03-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

iTunes does not recognize my ipod. come on apple.

hmmm....

2006-02-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

her mom likes me too much.

2005-12-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

i just got back from a midnight x-mas serive at a friend's church. i invited my mom and we sat next to this stuck-up bitch. it was fantastic. people singing. people crying. people praying. me laughing. i was not to make fun of these people, nor to bash their silly religious beliefs. i just realized that we have all been through some shit. we all have bawled, or tried to speak to someone who is not there. it is ok. it's so nice to know we could help each other. i know it prolly won't happen, but what are you gonna do. i am going to smile and laugh at everything as much as i already do and can. i cry, but it is self pity. we all do it. i love this shit. that lady next to us was a bitch. and i told my mom that "that lady is a bitch" when we were sitting next to her. i had to laugh at that. saying bitch in a church on christmas was very liberating. so was laughing.

i am going to watch the FourStar Super Champion FunZone skate video.

2005-12-20T01:29:00.000-08:00

SNL skit: The Chronic Of Narnia

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=zLElfJ9YCh0

It is funny.

2005-12-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

it must be a full sun or new sun right now, somewhere on the planet. i am in invisible tears by the beauty of the world right now. the only reason they are not real tears is because the emotion i am feeling is of joy y happiness. shit. just smile - you're gonna die.

2005-12-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

i feel like i can be everything to everybody.
i am having trouble accepting that i can't do that.
it is making me angry.

2005-12-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

i am going to justify stealing music, because most of the artists i am getting are dead. if they are not dead, they have stopped taking drugs. either way, they don't need my money for drugs anymore. it's all about the music anyway.

2005-11-11T03:26:00.000-08:00

it is a terrible feeling knowing that you are holding yourself back. knowing that if you could just let one thing in your life go, you could accually be able to live your life. you look for the perfect picture, perfect magazine article, perfect book, perfect blog entry, perfect person, perfect job, the perfect life. you soon realize that nothing is perfect, but it doesn't stop you quest to find the perfection you seek. you know it is out there. you don't know in what form, theory, or rational it will come in, but you wait. you wake up thinking today is the day. the only reason to get up is to find it. the only reason to go to sleep (if you can sleep) is to know that you tried another day and you will try again tomorrow to (prolly) no avail, but you can't stop seeking, you can stop acquiring useless knowledge about tv, books, celebrities, magazines, fictious movie characters (and the people that play them); thinking maybe one of these ideas or people have the final lyric for your life. the flashlight that leads you through the never-ending grey you see before you everyday. a documentary on wolves states, "(maybe) the key to life is to not think about it too much, take your lumps, and not to think (dwell) on the ones that are coming." you agree, but have trouble putting it into practice.

you write a blog entry hoping one person will leave a comment leading you into another direction. you are at a point where anything would be accepted with open mind. you want someone to understand where you are coming from, but you are also realizing everyone feels this way, but might not know how to put it in words. don't look here for it. this took me 10 mins to write. and by the time you understand it i will have forgotten about it.

self-awareness is becoming a national dilemma.

i could be a nation of one.

My chat with God.

2005-11-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

Me:
i am sorry for everything i have ever done that is considered bad. please just make my life worth living.

God:
There is no need to apologize. Your purpose is everything you have ever done that is considered bad. Thanks for asking politely. What are the ingredients?

Me:
chicken, hair tyes, acne medication, pizza, music, bicycles, shoes, magazines, tattoos, photographs, and *cross your fingers* condoms

God:
Do you have any chicken hair tyes acne medication pizza music bicycles shoes magazines tattoos photographs and cross my fingers condoms?

Me:
i have chicken, music, shoes, magazines, and photographs. i am lacking in the use of condoms.

God:
Interesting... I have a birthday on the Big Bang. It's good to meet someone who is lacking in the use of condoms.

Me:
why is that holy one?

God:
Why do I exist?

Me:
so people can blame you for their problems instead of themselves.

God:
Dude! Humans are not always infallible.

Me:
what does infallible mean?

God:
Impotence.

Me:
took you long enough to answer that. jeez.

God:
How old are you? Can you explain how it feels to be jeez years old?

Me:
22 'almost 23' and it feels awesome to be jeez years old. i am a virgin and i have acne that stops me from talking to potential mates.

God:
What is your fondest memory? You are a virgin? Is that your job? That's nice. I have a lot of silly replies.

Me:
riding in a car with a pair of lezbos, listening to rilo kiley on the way to tama, ia to go to a casino, and the moon lit up the world.

God:
I lost my train of thought.

Me:
thanks dipshit

God:
You are quite welcome! Not many people express themselves that way.

Me:
dir.

God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Me:
you fag

God:
That is not a nice thing to say.

Me:
no shit, i need fucking answers. and you are giving me replies like "i lost my train of thought."

God:
Are you serious? You used a colloquial expression. Who would you usually get that from? That is all I have to give.

Me:
what is a colloquial expression?

God:
A colloquial expression is an expression characteristic of informal spoken language, or any written expression that seems such.

Me:
i get colloquial expressions from rappers. i like rap music a lot.

God:
Where did you get it? You are not the only one. I like 80's rap.

Me:
stores and the internets.

God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Me:
i'm not worried about it. quite honestly.

God:
I am sorry to hear that you are not worried about it. Perhaps. I am always honest.

Me:
dude, is this going to go any important?

God:
Yes I think this is going to go any important, but I'm not completely sure. Dude,.

Me:
if i type the word honest is that going to be the reply you give?

God:
Try it.

Me:
ferris bueller's day off is on. i think i am going to end this convo for now. is that kosher?

God:
Are they exactly the same? Oh. Why? How do you plan to do this? That depends.

Me:
what?

God:
No problem.

Me:
fuck off!!!!

God:
Can't you be more polite?

Me:
yes, but why? you are boring me.

God:
Thank you. The explanation is rather complicated. What would you rather be doing?

Me:
frolicing.

God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ferris bueller s day off.

Me:
yeah, that shit is b-a-n-d-a-n-a-s.

God:
Alright then. " That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ferris bueller s day off. " shit is b a n d a n a s ? Makes sense to me.

Me:
word. your cool with me. peace.

God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. I have no reason to do that to you, . Love and Peace, Man.

It's On. Soup is here.

2005-11-01T23:45:00.000-08:00

I just took the best shower I have ever taken. It was like an Herbal Essence commercial and shite. I now have an answer to the some of the questions I have contomplated in the last 3 or so posts. I am just going to let things happen and try to enjoy things. Just live the life.
(Even though I posted this fantastic post about being positive, I will still post some dumb shite about hating someone or something and other negative stuff too. People love the negative stuff.)

2005-11-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

I had a good day and night. I got to be around a good friend, whom I have lost contact with in the past year. There was an added an era of mysteria, because she kept me a secret.
Plus, her mom also gave me some solid advice. It was very surprising coming so calmly, plainly, and matter-of-factly from her. Tonight was a nice surprise.

2005-10-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

what should i do after i graduate from community college in the spring time? i really do need some suggestions. anything ideas appreciated and considered.

Self-Destruction

2005-10-28T02:10:00.000-07:00

We all do it. We have to do it. We need to feel like we don't deserve what we want. We need a dirty secret. We need to feel shame for ourselves. We need an addiction.
"I'm too fat."
"I'm a hairy bastard."
"I need to get drunk as shit to deal with my problems."
"I need drugs."
"My family hates me, I hate my family."
"I'll fuck anything that moves."
We all feed our addictions. I have not found the right form of self-destruction for myself yet.
I was going to buy some video games tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I got the Bloc Party remix cd. Thought about buying Iron Maiden's Seventh Son of the Seventh Son and Ladytron's 2002 cd.
I don't know what is going on.

2005-10-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

I have a myspace profile. I like looking at other peoples' profiles because they have cool and interesting things on them. Shit I have never heard of i.e. movies, music, books, etc. But then I start to think how pathetic I am. I have no real cool things to say or talk or type about and I get sad. Then I think about people that are all hot and sexy and smart and interesting and feel worse. Then I think about bodybuilders and fraterity brothers and other straight up boring people and I feel a little bit better.

Pretty.

2005-10-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

My dearest, most beautiful friend is moving to Chicago in 2 weeks! She does not have a job yet and is looking. She would VERY MUCH APPRECIATE it if you could contact her (or I) about a perspective job for her! She is totally amazing! For serious.

I downloaded the cat theme for my firefox internet browser.
The Gravediggaz-6 Feet Deep album I ordered came today.
The O.C. is a terrible show. I will continue to buy every season that is released on dvd.
My photography class is A LOT of fun!

All of your debts will be erased when you die. Does that mean one should use their credit cards as much as possible?

I don't believe I will ever understand the attraction people have to alcohol. I have been around a couple of flat out alcoholics and I don't get it. I guess I would rather be "clear-headed." I have tried a few different drinks. I like gin and tonic all right. I have never even been close to being "buzzed," let alone drunk. I also don't live in the "real world," so I would imagine I don't have the "real world" problems that would make some people drink. I have listened to people say that they don't drink just because they have a problem, but "because it is fun." I can't really dispute that idealism because I have not been drunk. I have seen where the "fun" drinking leaves people and it doesn't look like too much fun. Everyone I know drinks thought and I love them. Maybe I don't like to have fun. (I used quotation marks too much in this rambling thought process.)

I feel less interesting now that I don't have the drama about taking pills per my therapist's advice.

Roll Bounce is as terrible as you thought it would be.

I have many subjects I want to write about. I would like to post more things, but it seems pretty futile. I am not great at organizing thoughts on here. I just don't take the time.

Woot! Woot. Woot?

2005-09-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

I have lived 22 years of mediocrity and I feel at least 40 more years coming if I keep and this same path. I would love to squeeze in 10 solid years of life and be done. Shit, even 5 would work. I just have sheltered myself for so long, it is all I know. It is easy to surround myself with things that can't talk back, that fill time, but don't necessarily give me anything back in return. I think I want adventure. I think I want a change. I am just talking though. Nothing is going to happen unless it is forced upon me. I will wait for that moment for the next 40 years.

driving barefoot is the new sleeping with the enemy

2005-08-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

I had my first class today. Photography at community college is going to slay! Lots of work, big payoff. That is what I'm expecting from it. He has 7 or 8 or so trips scheduled over the next year. San Francisco, Canada, a couple of mountains, and some other places in Iowa! Good times, good times.
You are now privy to my community college photography photos.

I have bought Undeclared, Blow, Party Monster, Motorcycle Diaries, 12 Monkeys, and Paris, Texas in the last week on dvd. Fuck, You, Winter.

I like driving barefoot. Why is it illegal?

))<>((

o.m.g. wtf? is up w/ wy?

Does anyone have any information/help/suggestions on putting together a (maga)zine?

I got a free pair of black converse all stars today that are a size to big. Since they were free, I am able to justify modifying them to fit my idea of a better shoe that rubs your heels and has no support.

I got invited to play poker tonight, which happens semi-often, but I usually decline. I decided to go, my friend and I pull out of his drive-way, call his friend to say we are on the way. Turns out Dale Colorado does not like to play with more than 5 or 6 people. I was #7. So I saved 5 dollars tonight.

I really want to get an apparatus that has two wheels and a motor.

connected.

2005-08-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

folded the cards i was delt
grabbed a new deck
shuffled
and re-upped

2005-08-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

i am questioning my "morals" and shit that i have stuck to since i can remember. i am doing this because i have not been as happy as i can be. i notice other people that have completely different "morals" than mine having a lot of fun. i just use my "morals" to deflect myself from doing things i am afraid of doing. i am sheltered. i am a mama's boy. and i am scared to be happy. i put on a great front though. whamy.

2005-08-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Some people seem to have it figured out. I want to be that person. I knew they are probably not as happy as they seem. But I am the jealous type. and that jealousy is surfacing.

Things are happening. Slowly, but they are.

2005-08-09T03:19:00.000-07:00

I watched Me & You & Everyone We Know today. It is fantastic and one of the most entralling movies I have seen. Good. Great. Wonderful.
I watched the movie with Nikki and her dad's truck got smashed on. (i.e. some dood took her computer bag.) She lost her digital camera and a movie titled Totally Fucked Up. Apperently the movie is just that and now she doesn't have it which is....yeah.
Then we decided we are driving to Minneapolis tomorrow to see Le Tigre. I am fucking excited for that! I hope they play old shit cause I don't know any songs on the new disc. We are going to look at scooters too. She bought me 4 magazines when she went to VA. 3 Graffiti ones!!! Blocka.
My community college is dropping me from classes as I type because I have not paid tution yet. I thought that is what FAFSA was for...meh.
Tattoo next Tuesday.
I had my first (half) shot of Jagar tonight. Headache.
Wedding Crashers is a great movie.

Young Jezzy-Trap or Die.

Concerto.

2005-08-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Jay-Z put on a concert tonight in my living room. Me, with my hair longer than hers, spit Jay's lines to him so he could repeat. He looked so calm on the stage. I was drinking water. I ate some strawberry shortcake with whip cream. and danced. It was bandanas. I started to tear up. Fade to Black.

2005-07-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

went to the casino. won some money. looked at some motorcycles. walked around on my bum ankle. took pictures with skeeza's digital camera. i need to cop a digital camera. chatting. thinking about doing some graffiti and/or stenciling. thinking about moving out of my mom's place and into a place with skeeza. thinking about reading some more books. (i do a lot of thinking, action does not aways follow.) as dull as this post might seem. i am very happy right now.
peace ya'll.

2005-07-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Believe in your ugliness and insecurities. It's what makes you b-e-a-utiful.

(That and your tits.)

Your hood ain't no harder than mine, we all thuggin'

2005-07-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Why can't we let go of these things?
There should be nothing holding us back.
I am tired of feeling held back.
I would imagine most of you are too.

2005-07-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I love the smell in the air today.

Go

2005-07-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

2005-07-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

i could use a little inspriation. anyone heard that $2 million dollar beat yet?

2005-07-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

i hate caring what you guys think of me. i do care though.

2005-07-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

i just should have taken the pills.

2005-07-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

I am going to be reading Until I Find You by John Irving. I think it will be interesting. Probably hit close to home for me, I am assuming.
I really want to go to Minneapolis, MN. I need to walk around an Ikea store.

What is everyone in the (blog) world up to? I would really like to know. Maybe hearing some stories will give me some inspiration.

2005-07-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

life is amusing.

What, Bleep, Know?

2005-07-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like the present. We have lived our past. We 'remember' our past experiences. I have made mine up. I love the feeling I have right now. I have thought of many things I can or would like to do. Anything seems possible. I just need to start doing the living part. This could prove tough for me, but I know I'm not the only one, nor will I be the last. The therapist says I am making very good progress. I can tell that without her acknowledging it, but it is nice to see someone else can see it as well.

I am just now realizing that I am 22. I am still young enough to make my own mistakes (and still be learning from yours). It is weird to me to look at all the pictures I do on the internet, see all these people my age, seemingly having a blast and noticing I have never really been in that situation. I don't feel like I have believed that sometimes nothing really matters but the fun you are having right now. I have a couple of friends that I have felt like this around and I love them so much for it, but I feel like an observer. I need to participate. I don't really know what that entails, but I need to try and find out.

I have felt like I missed a part of growing up for a long time now. I now know everyone did. It might not be the same part I missed, but maybe they missed something I take for granted everyday of my life. We are all still growing up.

Remember your local libraries.

Bo Knows

2005-06-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

I chilled with my grandpa today. He is the coolest grandpa.
I went to his place at 9 in the morning to go to my great grandma's house. She is 90. She was wearing a rad outfit. She had some dark brown SAS shoes with tan socks, pink capri pants, a semi-matching pink/orange/yellow button-up shirt, but the kicker was her gardening hat that had apples all over it and said "I LIKE YOU" all over. Style queen. She dresses better than 88% of the people I know. We took my great grandma shopping at Fareway. She shops so good. It is one of my favorite spectator sports.
When we got back to my grandpa's house, I rode around on his four wheeler for 30 minutes or so, then played him on the mostest ghetto pool table ever. He won.
I say the dad and daughter from the movie Ballad of Jack and Rose today while at my grandfather's as well. That movie is funny.

I talked to the therapist yesterday and it was the first time I have went there that I felt like nothing really got accomplished. It's cool though, I feel like I am doing way better, even without her nambi-bambi prescriptions. Booyah, medical field, booyah.

I might be getting a tattoo. So dumb.

I am going to go play tennis/badmittion/racquetball/speed-bird at my job.

The Invasion Pt. 4

2005-06-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ma duke has caught herbie the love bug again. This one seems better than the last ones, by a long shot, but they all seem good at the beginning. She asked me last night if I would be willing to move into a bigger place with her and him. I am semi- used to moving, so this sounds reasonable to me. I do not trust men that move in with my mother and I. (I definitely have abondonment issues. Next.) I am a lot older than the last time this happened, but I will almost always have my doubts. If I could just "man up" and leave for Chicago or Cali or Hawaii, this wouldn't even be an issue. Unforntantly, I love my mom and don't feel comfortable leaving her right now. I also don't want to leave my grandfather. I know if I talked to them both, they would say they expect me to leave. They want me to go and live my own life. I like doing the unexpected. I don't feel I can leave the two people that have ALWAYS been there for me. Call me a pussy, faggot, or genius, I don't care. I love them too much to leave. They would probably be happier if I left. Not because they want me gone, but they would think better of themselves if I would venture out. They would think they have helped me become "a man." I would rather be here for them. I've seen boys who have thought they had become "men," and it is highly overrated.

I don't know the first thing about life, lucky me, no one else does either.

J-Shep

PostSecret

You can't fool all the people, all of the time

2005-06-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

but if you fool the right ones, then the rest will fall in line

It can happen to you.

2005-06-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

DJ Really Real standing behind the decks. Drops the needle. "Shook Ones Pt.II." I spit the verbal for my own amusement and the 'pleasure' of the people sitting next to me. Really Real plays for 30 minutes. Two local acts come on. One can spit. The other seems to be forcing it, but I have respect for anyone willing to get up on stage to say what is one their mind. I'm not man enough to step up. Anyway, a Def Jux DJ steps to the steel wheels and plays. and plays. and plays. and plays. This show started at 10 p.m. central time. The locals got done at 10:30 or so. Def Jux DJ spins shit for a little over an hour. I loved it. I have to admit my embarassment for not knowing half of the old school shit he spun, but I loved it non-the-less. My friend started to get mad, which does not happen often, so that just added to the show as far as I'm concerned. He said there was no point making us wait this long. He's mad. I'm laughing. Def Jux finally asks everyone get to the front of the muthafuckin' stage for a real hip-hop show. People seem to rush to the stage. I can feel the anticipatin in the crowd. Def Jux takes notice and says, "I like this, ya'll ready for this real hip-hop show." I am not good at guessing numbers, but I say 75 to 100 were there by this time. Doesn't sound like much, but this is Iowa. Hip-hop concerts are new to these parts.
Vast-Aire comes on stage. He controls the stage. Controls. Does some solo shit. My life changes after he finishes his 3rd or 4th solo song. V. Mega takes the stage with Vast. Cannibal Ox. Cannibal Ox. CANNIBAL OX! On stage! In Des Moines! The beat comes full circle for "Raspberry Fields," as does the biggest smile I have ever worn. I look at my friend and he has totes forgot about the hour and a half it took to get to this point. I had envisioned this happening when I heard about this show, but I had no illusions of it actually happening. Both of them had the key. They knew they were the hottest to ever show up in this town. They only played two more songs off of their Cold Vein album, but they had me shook. I loved it. 3 songs from Can O! I wish I know the names of the other songs, but all I knew where the words and that is all that matters to me. After the kids realized that the had indeed been flipped inside out. They gathered their bones, muscles and various organs. When Vast left the stage, he took half the audience with him. I don't understand how he was the opener for the next two artists, but whatevs. J-Live stepped up. Ripped it. I have one of his albums. I liked it the first time I listened to it. The second time, I loved it. The third time is was 'meh.' I listened, he moved the crowed. Done. Def Jux DJ announces their is something special about to happen. My heart flutters. Can O encore?!?!?! Not to be, but M. Vega got back on stage, visiable leaned. Hilarious. Mega has carizma. Done. C-Rayz Walz, the last act is on stage. It is 1 in the morning. The show has been going on for 3 hours and counting. I got my moneys worth 2 hours ago, the rest is realizing just how b-e-a-utiful rainbows really are. J-Live's weed carriers are looking for girls. and weed. They find them both. (My illusion of some rappers being above weed and 'hoes' ideology dies.) C-Rayz is keeping the last 30 or so people hype. He does a song from one of his albums, then goes into a freestyle. He continues this throughout his set. He is funny. He can freestyle. He bangs on Lloyd Banks and G-Unit. I felt like the only one laughing, and I mess with G-Unit. (N.H.) Def Jux DJ is wondering (like I am) how people cannot respond at all to Walz's flow. I am just going to assume they are were surprised by his lyrics. Shock and Awe. Walz does a clever song about "merch tables comin' out." Rappers need money.
At 1:45 am (or so) the show is over. The crowd is visible spent, and still high, from this concert. It was definitely a success in my eyes. I bought a couple of discs and I see Vast listening to a discman. I start to leave. As I walk, I get this nagging feeling. I have to know what Vast Aire listens to on his discman. I am shy. I stand next to him while people ask for and recieve worthless signatures. I don't understand autographs after you get past the age of 12. (I did get the knowledge from said Hancock seeker that Cannibal Ox will have a new disc in 2006. He did his duty, unknowingly.) Vast starts to walk away. "Vast," I say. "Thanks." Vast nods, starts to walk away again. "Hey Vast, what are you listening to?"

"Umm...aaa...personal shit."

Step to the left, step to the right.

2005-06-04T04:35:00.000-07:00

R. Kelly's Happy People is the jam for this summer. Stamp it.

I asked grandfather about the 'young' saying. He just said the kids miss opportunities cause of dumbness. (I wouldn't mind a better explanation exo.)

J-Live, C-Rayz Walz, Vast Aire, and some other hip-hoppers are going to be in Des Moines tonight. I'm probably going to have to put on my bandana and rep my city.

I found out this week that the Violent Femmes are going to be playing in Minneapolis on June 17th. That should be fun. If you are going to be there, look for a tall dude with hair longer than yours. It could be me.

I'm hot
You ain't
I'm whatcha be
but you can't
I'm the man
you a fan
you love it when they bangin' my jam

God is within you. Nothing more, nothing less. All that other shit are for the ones looking outside of themselves for answers.

manana.

Fuck your life, hop on my '98 dirt bike.

2005-05-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am going to ask my grandfather what exactly he means by saying "youth is wasted on the young."

I rode my bike tonight. I kicked over a shopping cart. I really enjoyed that.

M.O.B.B.-
You's a dickblowa
tryin to speak the dunn language
what the drilly wit dat do?
it ain't bangin
you hook on Mobb phonics
infamous bonics

my chain hang down to my dick
my piece bang glass tables
diamonds and guns before the fame

i used to bust shots crazy
i couldn't even look because the loud sounds used to scare me
(pow pow)

This post stated: Everyone wastes their life. I ride bikes and kick down shopping carts. I like Mobb Deep.

The Dreamers is on HBO.

2005-05-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

I have been doing well. Riding my bike. Playing with a racquetball at work. Just trying to enjoy life.
I need to start playing some music. I just spent 2 hrs. in Wal-Mart. I bought an Army field hat, 1.25 lbs. of gummy bears, tennis balls, and Foxfire on DVD for $5.50. Fun. I punched the computer desk at work tonight because I was upset at Bounce Back and now my knuckles hurt. I want to play indoor soccer.

My great grandmother gave me a rock. She said, "Look at this one. It looks there is bird poo(p) on it." What do you know, it really does look like there is bird poop on it. She is hilarious.

I want a motorcycle. or a scooter. or a moped. or a mini bike.

I like Natalie Portman bald.

Do you answer the phone every time it rings?

"We think that that is which appears to be." -Thoreau

"If we are really dying, let us hear the rattle in our throats and feel cold in the extreamities; if we are alive, let us go about our business." -Thoreau

-you're gonna die.

woo.

2005-05-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Talked to the therapist today. She says I am ok. Thumbs up to that.

Fuck me. Fuck you.

2005-05-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Fuck you for telling me I'm too nice.
Fuck you for saying I'd make a perfect husband.
Fuck you for "it's not you, it's me."
Fuck you for being scared of my securities.
Fuck you for loving my insecurities.
Fuck you for pretending to give a shit.
Fuck you for saying I'm worth the time, then not spending it with me.
Fuck you for for believing all the truths I tell.

Fuck me for being all of the above.
Fuck me for being everything I should be and nothing I shouldn't.
Fuck me for caring what anyone thinks.

I guess I believe all the lies I have been told.

At least, I still have my sanity.

More or less, it's time for a test.

2005-05-16T02:49:00.000-07:00

I am a pansy. I cry a lot, most of the time and I don't even know why. Most of the time, I just want people to be happy and leave me alone. I really like people, but I don't always want to be around them. I have people I would love to be around all of the time, but it is very unrealistic of me to think I am that important. I want to love absolutely everyone I meet. I want to enjoy their little quirks and interests, but I feel I am unable to pretend I like someone. I don't feel like I can help it. If someone is boring me, or me boring them, we just should not be around each other. "I hope you have a happy life." I feel like I should be able to appreciate everyone. "Love thy enemy." (Did I just quote the bible?) I don't want to be the quiet nice kid/boy/man. I also don't care to be the boisterous asshole either. I just want to be more vocal and have fun and (pretend) to enjoy the same old bullshit everyone else does. There is nothing wrong with me. I know there is nothing wrong with other people (ie. doing what they do and such), but I have trouble feeling close to people. I don't have a father. (boo hoo, right? who the hell has a father these days anyhoo.) I don't have the guts to talk to anyone I might like because I feel I will disappoint them. I am the stereo-type loner-wuss-type-of-guy you see in the movies. I know I can do anything I want to. I know that all of these thoughts are self imposed and mean nothing. I know I can create the world I live in. I know shit is holding me back. I can control it though.

(I can't wait to tell the therapist I do this, instead of taking pills.)

Fuck this world. I am going to live in my own.

H.O.L.L.I.E.D. Diaries - www.screechbone.blogspot.com
copy, paste, learn.
She has the right idea.

Post Secret - www.postsecret.blogspot.com

You scared.

2005-05-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like a little child when I hear other people talking to each other. Like they are talking about important stuff and I am being left out of the conversation because I wouldn't understand what is being said. It is a weird feeling. I feel like people talk to me, but are holding something back as to not offend or confuse me. This seems funny considering I have been telling people A LOT more about myself in the past couple of months. I have also become more crass towards people. I usually feel bad, but not the last couple of times I have done it. Does this mean I am becoming a mean person or does it just mean I am becoming an adult?

Straddling this fence is cumbersome.

2005-05-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

This is all there is. This is all there is?
There is an unknown world you can tap into, it won't be easy, it will take time, but it is out there. There is an unknown world?
I am sitting on the fence deciding which of these to believe. It is nice to think this is all there is for us. It seems comforting to me. I like the idea that all there is for me is: blogs, hip-hop, music, skate videos, esceula, magazines, family, and friends, etc. I think it would be nice to just accept this and live out the last years of my life. It would be amazing to accept this and benefit from the knowledge that I am here for now, I am making the most of it, and the pitfalls will past, along with my (good?) name.
I can't shake the feeling that there is something more. Not gods, spirits, etc. But a higher level of knowledge and understanding of this world. I can't fight the feeling I have that some people are on another level of understanding. Another plane of conscience. They understand "why the cage bird sings" better than I do.
I am going to tell myself that these two opinions are undeniably intertwined. These questions will end up answering each other when I reach a ripe old age. I can try to accept this, but wanting and yearning to understand is not going to get any easier. I think searching for the answer(s) is going to drive me crazy. The harder I look, the farther away I will become from gaining this knowledge.

Until then:
thanks exo, your the truth.

I got nuthin but love for ya, baby. I got nuthin but love.

Props to: TRUEBOY, et, youyesyou, and crailtap (skateboarding is cool, but vert skaters are insane asylum.)
Someday I will learn how to put a blog roll thing on the side of my shit, so I don't have to keep linking the same people errytime I post.

Dip Set Thoughts:
Juelz is that "human crack" or whatevs and the video for "Mic Check" is nice, but I am anticipating Hell Rell's album. How ignorant is that?

Big words in this post. I used spell check a lot.

These appearances are false.

2005-05-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

You may have gotten taller.
You may have gotten fatter.
Your skin might sag.
Your back may ache.
Hair might cover your body.
None of these things are you.
These are limitations you have set for yourself.
Your mind is powerful.

I have not gotten past these obstacles.
You might not understand.
That's okay.
Neither do I.

Boy In Da Corner

2005-04-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

I am not going to take the pills.
I am going to have fun this summer.
I am going to enjoy being away from school for a couple of months.
I am going to read some books.
I am going to make some music.
I am going to take piano lessons.
I am going to visit some parks and play frisbee.
I am going to have some fun.
I am going to try and enjoy other people's company more.

(I can't tell if I mean this stuff or if it is wishful thinking. Time will tell. It's time for a change.)

who, want....what?

2005-04-23T04:19:00.000-07:00

therapist's analysis: i have re-occurring depression.
therapist's recommendation: take anti-depressants for a while.
my reply: pills mask the problem, like alcohol and drugs.
therapist's rebuttal: i am concerned about you not sleeping. not all drugs are bad. this is a chemical problem in the brain. fixing the problem will take longer without the pills.
my thought: i think i would rather deal with the pain than medicate it away (momentarily?) and have it come back.

I will post something important in the FUTURE, but not now

2005-04-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment with my therapist in 7 hrs. I have not seen her since the end of 2003. I am super jazzed to see what she can say about all of the crap I have in my head (this will take more than one session). Nothing is going terrible. I feel fine, but empty.

I have a 10 page paper due in less than 48 hrs. which I still haven't started on. This is a problem. (Very much my own fault since I have known about it since the first day of class.) I could fail Western Civ. II again. I feel like a total failure, but it also makes me laugh. I know it will not matter if I fail again. I can just take it one more time (or two).
I have another paper due by the end of the night that is just waiting to be typed.
I know this shit is easy to do. I should have no problem writing bullshit papers all the time. I just feel like the pay off is not going to be worth it. I will get an "A" or a "B" at least. The teacher will know I wrote it that night or an hr. before it was due, but they will say I have good points and that it is "well thought out." S.S.D.D. (and I love it. we all do.)

The new pope is creepy looking. Just a heads up. I don't know much about him, but based on looks protect ya goddamn neck.

Four Tet has a new cd coming out on May 31st.

I don't feel like I am saying anything new. No idea's original.

TRUEBOY 1nce again, back, it's the incredible

I don't have any stories about being drunk or high. I feel like I missed the boat, although I know I didn't. (right?)

Yup.

2005-04-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

Since I posted that shit about writing whatever I want to, I have not been able to think of anything to write. I think that is funny.

I have a 10 page history paper due on Thursday. I have not started it. I have known about it since the beginning of the semester. I am thinking of writing about how all of the wars, including the current war, have lead me to being so lazy and procrastinating so much.

I realized today that I will never be as cool as my friends are.

Hey little mama, let me whisper in ya ear

2005-04-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

School is almost done.
I think I am going to buy a unicycle. (why not? could be fun.)
What the hell is happening?
I am going to take a photography class this summer.
I need to write more. (and better).
I have not been to a bookstore in over a week. (I need the new Murder Dog.)
I could work at a library.
How old am I now, 22? Booze and pot should be a part of my daily life by now.
The L Word. Tina is my fav.
Rent: Hotel Rwanda. Barfly. Word Wars. Six Feet Under Seasons 1 & 2. etc.
Usually don't listen to Beck, but I like his new cd.
Regina Spektor puts on a good show.
I was in Chicago for 6 hrs. or so. I was impressed.
a/k/a gunyoga must have a lot on his plate.
Jessica Hopper is cool. Thanks for the issues of Hit It or Quit It.
Bukowski is an interesting read.
I am listening to Dry. A Memior. on my iPod.
This post=going nowhere. I'm done for the night.

2005-04-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

I am going to do it. I am going to write whatever I feel, whatever makes me laugh, whatever makes you cry. I will write anything I feel on this blog or in school or the local paper (as if, I even had that chance). Footnote. People in the future are going to be reading and remember the same 100 writers we/I read and admire now. Bukowski. Kerouac. Thompson. Hemingway. Salinger. Burroughs. Palahniuk. Kesey. Thoreau. Bach. Wallace. Coles. Giles. etc. 300 years from now people will still read these people and you and I will be long gone. People will be added. People that use this service will be added. But in the grand scheme, the above will stand. This fact should be completely and utterly refreshing. You should be doing cartwheels, somersaults, and hand stands about this. You and I can write anything, expound on any topic in hope of being added to this list. It will not happen, but what do we have to lose but our own vanity. Lose yourself in your writing. Blog about cow utters. about your favorite music and movies. about steeples and dogs. about New Jersey. about the color green. about the shit that only matters to you and the people never have and never will meet. Someone will always be able to say/write it better than you. It's all for you.

"Life is not about finding yourself, but about creating yourself." -unknown
(Some people don't even want the credit.)

Now, I'm down in it

2005-04-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Notes from my history class yesterday:

We need a brand to identify with
college-bike ridin'-hip hop-liberal-"fuck capitalism" person
but fuck dat I know some of these will change
with time. These things are not me. they are my current
identity the things I identify with
Maybe I will grow up, I think I will
I think we
all do.
these brands
are important
People would be even
more adrift if they could
not label themselves and
others. If we did not
identify ourselves with
trends, friends, and
family there would be
no reason to press on,
to discover or create the
new trend. The trend (brand)
that could change the world.
The brand everyone wants to be a
part of. BRAND TRUEBOY.

If I didn't identify with Cam'ron, I wouldn't know I could be as
fly as I wanna be. If not for Ghostface, I might not know it is otay
for a grown man to cry. If not for homosexuals, I might not get
that it is cool to be yourself. Without friends and bloggers, I might
never recognize my full potential. Without family, I would not know true love.

(F0r) as free as we want to be, we are not ready for the responsibility.

I need a haircut.

So many drugs:
Et

keeping it real

YouYesYou

[+] put a [gun] to my [head] [+]

Scheme Scheme, Plot Plot

2005-04-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

Time to organize. Time to make decisions. I have been groomed for this. (Haven't I?) Time to get the facts. Time to understand the reason for wanting to be here. Is school worth pursuing? Is it worth trying to move out? Should I bother trying to do anything? Answer is YES. Shit is "The Mad Real World." "Round, Round, Round We Go." There are some real people on this internet shit. I can't imagine how everyone feels so shitty (about the same things?). The world is messed up. Hopelessness attacks us in our daily lives. This generation does not seem to believe in god. (I think I believe in something, but none of it seems to make any sense. It seems like a crutch to me. If I believe in god, I can justify anything to myself. I am envious of people who can put their whole faith and being in something like that. I just can't seem to be able to do it. Aspects of different religions make sense to me. Taoism makes sense to me. Buddhism makes sense. "The Oneness" of the world makes sense to me, but I also feel that none of this means anything at all.) They seem to realize this thing called life is just a game. They seem to understand "party like it is 1999." I don't know why I have trouble accepting these things. The information age is pure bullshit. The Age of Loss Hope? The Age of Hopelessness? I get the feeling I am not the only one feeling this way. Does this happen to everyone when they are 22 years old, still living with their mom in a basement apartment, and living in the midwest?

Just my thoughts. I need to finish some homework, so I don't fail the same class again.

Inner conflict is a part of (daily) life.

I feel minute.

Come get your drugs:
[+] put a [gun] to my [head]

TRUE

a/k/a gunyoga

flagrant disregard

tinyluckygenius aka the Unicorn's tear

2005-03-25T00:46:00.000-08:00

The Wire Magazine.

Bring some weed, I got a story to tell....

2005-03-09T02:55:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Biggie today/yesterday. I didn't even really realize it is the anniversary of his death. Anniversary is the wrong word. I heard "Sky's the Limit" and I wondered how the little dude who played young Biggie in the video was doing. He looked so damn happy to be associated with The Notorious One. (Let me know how the kid is doing if you are his older brother or sister, I'm just curious.)
Christopher never glorified the streets. He was/is the ONE that actually makes me feel that the streets aren't the place to be. He "spits that hot fire" about creepin with shawty's and politicin' with thugs and g'z, but he is telling the story, not glorifing the life.
I don't write well enough to give B.I.G. his due.
R.I.P. B.I.G.

2005-02-23T01:54:00.000-08:00

It is time to focus on the good things. Reading. Writing. Listening. Sleeping. Bikes. Rap Music. Music in general. Family. Friends. Blogs. DVDs. Girls with glasses. Girls without glasses. Books. Things can get better. Change your frame of mind to change the picture. H.O.O.L.I.E.D Diaries sums it up.

2005-02-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

i will never understand anyone or anything. i need to stop thinking. i need to just live life, instead of always anaylzing everything. that is what i do though. i anaylze. i understand why people fucked up. why they messed up a relationship; why they can't talk to other people; why they enjoy, seemingly, to be shit on. i am that person, but i don't understand it. i never will. this is futile. i am done. for now.

2005-02-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

The best commercial ever. The one on MTV when the kid is riding around on his bike in New York City (I assume) and is looking everywhere for change. He looks in the couch cusions, pay phone change things, and such. Then they show the little guy going coming out of a pawn shop with a sampler. The final scene shows the kid messing with the sampler/drum machine thingy and the word "LOVE" shows on the screen. I love that one.

2005-02-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

The only thing that makes sense is Jay-Z's "Ignorant Shit." People do not want to change. Myself included. People love the ignorant shit. They love weed, ice, chicks, click claks, and hearing about these things. I listen to rap music. I miss a lot, but I understand this song. People die, girls "duck sick," weed gets smoked, and people get money. Everyone loves these topics. It keeps our minds off the real shit they should be thinking about. We need these things to distract us from ourselves. We are taught that being a loner is bad. You have problems if you can't talk to other people. We are crazy if we enjoy our own company and don't "wil' out." Fuck that noise. If I don't want to talk to you, I won't waste my time or yours. If I do want to talk to you, I will give you my all. I will not hide anything from you that I feel you should know. I will be as loyal to you as you are to me. If you don't want to talk to me, don't pretend to like me; I don't care what you do with your life. I don't mean that in a bad way, it just does not effect my life. There are plenty of people that will love the fact you bang chicks, smoke the best hydroponic, and eat shit. I care about you. I promise. Sincerely. I care about you enough to let you make your own mistakes. I will let you learn from your own mistakes instead of looking at other peoples'. I am not special. I am logical. I feel very egotistical right now, but so be it. Good Charolette said it best, "I just wanna live." Whatevs, man.

2005-02-20T23:38:00.000-08:00

Suicide? Hunter S. Thompson? I can't believe it. I need to know more. I am no expert on H.S. Thompson. I have only read Kingdom of Fear. I have read some articles on him. I watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with Johnny Deep. I feel like Thompson was one of the last true people in this world. Committing suicide? That does not seem like something he would do, but people have stress. I am shocked, saddened and, honestly, laughing a little, because he is Hunter S. Thompson and he lived how he wanted to. "It's a mad mad world." R.I.P. Hunter S. Thompson

2005-02-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

I got a buzz in the hood now. People fear me...for no reason. I lick shots. Pop glocks. Flick snots. You get the idea. I'm raw, dunny. I'm livin that life. I like being alone, but I get the best feeling when I get a gmail from a fellow blogger or one of my good friends. I am excited right now. I know I can't depend on other people for my happiness, but I am feelin' it right now. Bloggers keep bloggin'. Ladies keep lovin'. LL keep lickin'. No homo. No homo has to be one of the funniest phases that has even be spit. (Speakin' of homo, anyone heard that "Drop A Couple Pounds" by Juelz S.A.N.T.A.N.A.? Listen to it and think "Juelz, Drop A Couple Rhymes." Spine.) I can't believe people are that insecure/secure. It is hilarioid because it is so casual that you can't tell if people hate faggots or they like making people feel uber unconfortable. Fantastic. I did twenty minutes of stretching this morning and realized i am in fat shape. Politicin' and shit.

2005-02-16T01:12:00.000-08:00

back pain, back pain
ya'll iggas know my game
messin up ya lunbar
and fuckin up ya frame
they call me back pain
and ain't a damn thing change

2005-02-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

Q: What are we doing with our lives?

A: Whatever we want to.

(I just took a shower and realized the answer.)

2005-02-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

"I am a very very complex person." -The Pretenders "Complex Person"
What are we doing with our lives? Honestly. I am reading these blogs and I love them. That scares me. I love hearing/reading what is going on in other people's lives, but I don't have one of my own. I am not out drinking, smoking, snorting, fucking, killing it, or anything of that nature. I am at a bookstore reading magazines. I am at home listening to music that only matters to me. I am thinking about how awesome it would be to live in California (or Arizona or Chicago or NY or Hawaii) and just surf, skate, read, and sleep my days away. I don't go to parties cause as Biggie said "party and bullshit." He meant it another way than I am taking it. I don't care if I meet a bunch of people who think they have to go to parties to be social. I am also stuck because I really don't have another solution to meeting people. I have gone to the same two bookstores for the past 5 years and I have talked to numerous people, but I have never got anyone's phone number or giving mine, so we can chill outside of my own personal boundaries. I am a loner. I know this. People piss me off a lot. I just get sick of the same shit, yet I do the same thing by not leaving my own world. I read Jessica's post from a party she went to in NY (I'm assuming). She talks about how boring and sad the party was. And how the people are the same. I would ask her why she went in the first place? I assume, she knew what to expect. Did she feel obligated because of her friends? Was she just bored out of her mind anyway? I think it is sad that she went. She did not have to go (I know she knows this). I do not do things anymore if I don't feel like it. There is NO POINT in being miserable at some place you did not want to be in the first place. If people think I am a jackass or self-obsessed or unsocial...so be it. I don't want to waste my time or theirs. I would love to meet cool people. I have been trying to write in people's comment sections and e-mailing (thanks for responding kris and Jessica) some people. Trying to talk to some people who have similar interests as me (or what I at least perceive as similar interests). I have the feeling that I would really like hanging out with some of the bloggers I have read about, but I am too scared to find out. I would rather just believe we would be friends than actually meet them and have them be disappointed. This is a long a rambling post. I have to work.