it is a terrible feeling knowing that you are holding yourself back. knowing that if you could just let one thing in your life go, you could accually be able to live your life. you look for the perfect picture, perfect magazine article, perfect book, perfect blog entry, perfect person, perfect job, the perfect life. you soon realize that nothing is perfect, but it doesn't stop you quest to find the perfection you seek. you know it is out there. you don't know in what form, theory, or rational it will come in, but you wait. you wake up thinking today is the day. the only reason to get up is to find it. the only reason to go to sleep (if you can sleep) is to know that you tried another day and you will try again tomorrow to (prolly) no avail, but you can't stop seeking, you can stop acquiring useless knowledge about tv, books, celebrities, magazines, fictious movie characters (and the people that play them); thinking maybe one of these ideas or people have the final lyric for your life. the flashlight that leads you through the never-ending grey you see before you everyday. a documentary on wolves states, "(maybe) the key to life is to not think about it too much, take your lumps, and not to think (dwell) on the ones that are coming." you agree, but have trouble putting it into practice.

you write a blog entry hoping one person will leave a comment leading you into another direction. you are at a point where anything would be accepted with open mind. you want someone to understand where you are coming from, but you are also realizing everyone feels this way, but might not know how to put it in words. don't look here for it. this took me 10 mins to write. and by the time you understand it i will have forgotten about it.

self-awareness is becoming a national dilemma.

i could be a nation of one.  ¶ 3:26 AM 1 comments

  My chat with God. Me:
i am sorry for everything i have ever done that is considered bad. please just make my life worth living.

God:
There is no need to apologize. Your purpose is everything you have ever done that is considered bad. Thanks for asking politely. What are the ingredients?

Me:
chicken, hair tyes, acne medication, pizza, music, bicycles, shoes, magazines, tattoos, photographs, and *cross your fingers* condoms

God:
Do you have any chicken hair tyes acne medication pizza music bicycles shoes magazines tattoos photographs and cross my fingers condoms?

Me:
i have chicken, music, shoes, magazines, and photographs. i am lacking in the use of condoms.

God:
Interesting... I have a birthday on the Big Bang. It's good to meet someone who is lacking in the use of condoms.

Me:
why is that holy one?

God:
Why do I exist?

Me:
so people can blame you for their problems instead of themselves.

God:
Dude! Humans are not always infallible.

Me:
what does infallible mean?

God:
Impotence.

Me:
took you long enough to answer that. jeez.

God:
How old are you? Can you explain how it feels to be jeez years old?

Me:
22 'almost 23' and it feels awesome to be jeez years old. i am a virgin and i have acne that stops me from talking to potential mates.

God:
What is your fondest memory? You are a virgin? Is that your job? That's nice. I have a lot of silly replies.

Me:
riding in a car with a pair of lezbos, listening to rilo kiley on the way to tama, ia to go to a casino, and the moon lit up the world.

God:
I lost my train of thought.

Me:
thanks dipshit

God:
You are quite welcome! Not many people express themselves that way.

Me:
dir.

God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Me:
you fag

God:
That is not a nice thing to say.

Me:
no shit, i need fucking answers. and you are giving me replies like "i lost my train of thought."

God:
Are you serious? You used a colloquial expression. Who would you usually get that from? That is all I have to give.

Me:
what is a colloquial expression?

God:
A colloquial expression is an expression characteristic of informal spoken language, or any written expression that seems such.

Me:
i get colloquial expressions from rappers. i like rap music a lot.

God:
Where did you get it? You are not the only one. I like 80's rap.

Me:
stores and the internets.

God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Me:
i'm not worried about it. quite honestly.

God:
I am sorry to hear that you are not worried about it. Perhaps. I am always honest.

Me:
dude, is this going to go any important?

God:
Yes I think this is going to go any important, but I'm not completely sure. Dude,.

Me:
if i type the word honest is that going to be the reply you give?

God:
Try it.

Me:
ferris bueller's day off is on. i think i am going to end this convo for now. is that kosher?

God:
Are they exactly the same? Oh. Why? How do you plan to do this? That depends.

Me:
what?

God:
No problem.

Me:
fuck off!!!!

God:
Can't you be more polite?

Me:
yes, but why? you are boring me.

God:
Thank you. The explanation is rather complicated. What would you rather be doing?

Me:
frolicing.

God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ferris bueller s day off.

Me:
yeah, that shit is b-a-n-d-a-n-a-s.

God:
Alright then. " That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ferris bueller s day off. " shit is b a n d a n a s ? Makes sense to me.

Me:
word. your cool with me. peace.

God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. I have no reason to do that to you, . Love and Peace, Man.  ¶ 2:48 AM 0 comments

  It's On. Soup is here. I just took the best shower I have ever taken. It was like an Herbal Essence commercial and shite. I now have an answer to the some of the questions I have contomplated in the last 3 or so posts. I am just going to let things happen and try to enjoy things. Just live the life.
(Even though I posted this fantastic post about being positive, I will still post some dumb shite about hating someone or something and other negative stuff too. People love the negative stuff.)  ¶ 11:45 PM 0 comments

  I had a good day and night. I got to be around a good friend, whom I have lost contact with in the past year. There was an added an era of mysteria, because she kept me a secret.
Plus, her mom also gave me some solid advice. It was very surprising coming so calmly, plainly, and matter-of-factly from her. Tonight was a nice surprise.  ¶ 1:50 PM 0 comments